Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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