Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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