She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
