Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
