You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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