after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
