oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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