Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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