Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize