I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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