My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
