life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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