Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
