I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize