Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
