Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
