I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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