I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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