70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
