I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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