You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just gift wrapped bread.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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