I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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