Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
