What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
