she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
