FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it hurts more in the daytime
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
