He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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