I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
