You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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