Swine flu is the new snow day.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize