WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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