Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
