So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
