Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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