I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
