Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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