I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize