Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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