This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
