I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
