This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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