Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
