I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
