Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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