im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
