I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
