tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
