Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
