I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
