I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
