I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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