When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
