The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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