Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
