Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
