I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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