I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
