remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
