Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
