Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
